Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
