I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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