I can't watch pbs sober anymore
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
