I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
you mean i was at the winter classic?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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