Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
