Me. At least after what I've been through.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
