I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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