In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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