did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize