I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
