you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
