god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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