new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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