He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
