You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
