Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
