Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
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