someone threw a dead crab at me
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
