never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize