my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
