I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
