The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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