It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
