i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Randomize
