I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
