After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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