His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
