So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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