My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
