dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Your dad touched me again.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize