It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
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