I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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