I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I intend to get homeless drunk
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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