I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize