Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Randomize
