I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Randomize
