Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
