god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize