Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Randomize
