i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Randomize
