how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
