she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
