i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
