Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize