It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize