I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
