don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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