I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
