in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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