The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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