you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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