My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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