During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
