i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
