Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
