never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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