my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Randomize
