my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
