She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
