Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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